DeadEndMoon111's Xanga

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 07:48:56 GMT

i had a really good day today :P

thank You, God for Your goodness.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 11:21:18 GMT

retreat was pretty freaking awesome. so many many things to think about, then and since. there is what is, and what i know should be (and what is and what should never be ). but it is really hard to keep striving. trying to keep the end goal in mind.

this song came on pandora today. its way softer than what i generally listen to, but sometimes a good worship song is needed, even when you dislike it musically, you cant help but identify with it lyrically.

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us
What do You see
That’s worth looking our way

We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release
From the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us

My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don’t deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary
Nevertheless we lay it at Your feet

-God With Us, MercyMe

why, God, do you love us? tiny offerings, insignificant. yet each and every one is worth something to the One who made us. imagine that. we do not deserve at all, His kindness or mercy or grace or love. but still, we get it. for free.

unconditional love is such a beautiful thing. receiving it from another person, when they know your absolute deepest darkest secrets, the things you were reluctant to confess to God Himself, yet they do not run away, nor revile you, but rather extend the blood of Christ over you, and God's love tangibly flows through them, that is something to be treasured, when you find it.

man, my sleep schedule is totally screwed up again, dangit...

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 00:52:25 GMT

2008 is over, and what a year. feels like it went by really quickly. i cant believe that so many things happened in such a short time. things were made. things were strengthened, other things weakened and broke. it stretched me, this year, and i learned a bit more about myself and others in the process. it was a year in which i reached emotional extremes, and praise God, life always was and still is, good. and, He got me through last semester with fairly decent grades and with my sanity more or less intact. well, i suppose it could be debated how sane i was going into it in the first place . He also brought me closer to many people, for which i am grateful. i couldnt have gotten through it all without a special group of people (and one person in particular), and i thank you, from the bottom of my heart, all of you who encouraged me through the hardest semester of my life so far, took the time out of your days (and nights) to come spend time with me in my little corner of heck, bring me food and conversation and commiseration, and most importantly, show your love . so thank you all very much, i am extremely grateful for each one of you.

patience. may God strengthen those who need it, make his presence known to those who seek. may this year bring peace that surpasses all understanding, joy that knows no bounds, and love that overflows from on high, regardless of the circumstances. attitude check? happy new year

Monday, September 08, 2008

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:55:06 GMT

"the three things any designer needs in order to be successful are curiosity, conviction, and obsession" - my studio instructor raveevarn choksombatchai

apparently, they also need to have no social life outside of wurster, no need for rest or food, and no other classes besides this one, because the workload is incredibly freaking ridiculous. so, im not going to be a successful designer i guess, not this year. unfortunately, i have to take and pass this class (and another one next semester) because its a requirement for the major, which means that i will a) most likely not be posting on xanga for a reallllly long time, b) try my best not to let this happen, but i might not get to hang out with people besides church and fellowship and small group, unless you come visit me (thanks to those that have already) and c) most likely look extremely tired when i do see you, and if i fall asleep around you, its (probably) not because i find you insufferably boring

i know that despite the fact that this next year looks like hell in terms of school, God is taking care of me in ways i cant even imagine. im still extremely blessed to be here, to have met the people that i have, and to know the ones that care about me, and i definitely thank God for that. and other than school, life is great

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Tue, 27 May 2008 08:13:03 GMT

wow. another year done with, and my college career is officially half over. its been a freaking awesome year, the best one so far. many things have happened, both good and bad, (but mostly good) and i think i've grown a lot. im gonna miss the seniors though God bless you guys, hope you keep Him number one always.

some lessons i've learned this year/reflections of the past few days:

people change, people move on, stuff happens. it is unfortunate, but change is inevitable, i suppose. i still dont like it, but im learning to live with it. its kinda saddening though, and i dont quite understand the how or why. but i trust its all for the best, and God knows what is to happen, so why should i worry about it?

good prayer is awesome. being in God's presence like that is a tiny taste of heaven. i only wish i had more endurance.

freakin grades. i sincerely wish (and i think i get support on this) that we werent graded on what we learn. i mean, it wouldnt be so bad if we could just pay them to teach us and end it at that, rather than paying them to torture us with homework and quizzes and midterms and finals, and then fail us on top of all that. geez. im reminded of lue-yee's away message on aim, about being a masochist (although, lue, im more likely to call you nerd than masochist )

group projects suck. a lot. but, like all trials, they can be an opportunity to learn and grow, even though it may not be immediately apparent.

being a leader is hard. it definitely has its ups and downs, but its an interesting and rewarding experience (at least it has been for me, this past year). its really nice to feel like you are making a difference, especially when that difference becomes evident later, and keeps growing. and its also really nice to find dependable people that you can truly count on. thank God for those people, they are a blessing.

the big sib/little sib thing was really fun. of course, i had a pretty "special" little sib and a really cool older sib, for which i am thankful.

studying the hebrew bible (aka our old testament in different order) as a biblical scholar might was an eye-opening experience. it didnt shake my faith at all, just made me question things that seemed contradictory, which is good, because after researching those things, or asking someone more knowledgeable, it always reinforced what i already believed. it was kinda fun, actually, and since it was the old testament, i didnt really have to do the assigned reading to understand what was being talked about in class. i definitely learned a lot though, and it made me appreciate the old testament a lot more.

middle eastern studies was another eye-opener. now i understand islam, the arab-israeli conflict, the oil trade, and zionism, among other things, quite a bit better than i did before. the professor was really funny, and i learned a lot. art history was largely a waste of time, but i guess i did learn something about analyzing art. art 14 was sometimes fun but also somewhat a waste of time, except for stephchensays, ako, kinda learning to throw, and some of the things i made. everyone in that class thinks im morbid. not that they'd be wrong...

God is always working, whether we see it or not. just because it isnt immediate doesnt mean it isnt ever gonna happen. theres only so much you can do, and its no use beating yourself up over what is not under your control. it may be cliche but it is still true: sometimes what we need to do is let go and let God.

sometimes you find things where and when you least expect them, or just after you've given up looking. God has a plan that is much better for us than anything we could come up with by ourselves. He also has quite a sense of humor, as i have witnessed firsthand...

its a huge blessing to be able to be so completely and totally honest with someone. its a truly amazing and wonderful feeling, to still be loved by them, even in spite of your worst failings. its a reflection of the way God loves each of us despite our sin. its a simultaneously sobering and joyful fact. its a blessing i dont deserve at all, but i am thankful

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 10:00:42 GMT

i loved playing tag when i was younger. but anyways...

1. At what age do you wish to marry?

hopefully sometime after i turn 21 and before i turn 30. as soon as possible after college, before i get old.

2. What will you do when you feel really emo?

listen to really loud angry music, pray, try to distract myself with other things, cry, complain to someone i trust, and sleep. but not always all of those, and not necessarily in that order.

3. Who is your idol?

besides Jesus, i assume. in terms of people i admire and respect, id have to say pretty much anyone who is really spiritually mature.

4. Where is the place that you want to go most?

wherever God wants me, hopefully somewhere with good weather and with people i love.

5. If you have one dream to come true, what would it be?

that all the people i love that havent already would come to Christ somehow. sigh.

6. What is the purpose of your life?

pretty much to love and glorify God and spread the Gospel. to abound in love. and also apparently to cause others to lose sleep but i think i could die happy knowing i made a difference in someone's life, for the better.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most right now?

the people i love. one especially

8. What cheers you up for the rest of the day?

seeing a certain person, feeling loved and appreciated, quality time with quality people, good weather, new music, books, or movies, finishing creating something im actually not ashamed of, and especially that feeling of closeness with God and knowing that things are going to work out according to His plan no matter what happens.

9. If you meet someone you love, would you confess to him/her?

in the context of romantic love, it would take me a while to decide i loved him, and i would tell him as soon as i made that decision, or at least when i realized i had made it.

10. List out three good things of the person who tagged you.

you genuinely care about people, and are very thoughtful and mindful of things. you clearly love your friends, and that definitely shows in the things you do. also, you have pretty good taste in books

11. What type of person do you hate the most?

theoretically, i shouldnt hate people. but unfortunately, id have to say that i do. so, thoughtless people. people who do horrible things to other people or animals, people who mock Christ, and anyone that makes anyone i love hurt in any way.

12. What would you do if you won a million dollars?

assuming that its a million dollars after taxes, id give ten percent for tithe, and then with whats left, buy prime property and rent it out, getting profits from that, which would go towards various worthwhile things and people.

13. What is your ambition?

to be everything i was created to be to the fullest of my ability, to never let anyone down, to always be where im needed, and to be both joyful and happy regardless of the circumstances

14. What will you do if you got rejected by someone you like?

this has never outright happened, but i imagine id get intensely depressed for a bit, then get over it and go the sour grapes route.

15. If you have a chance, which part of your character would you like to change?

just one part? dang it haha. hmm. well my selfishness and self-centeredness, my resistance of change, my tendency toward giving in to temptation easily, and yeah, my sinful nature in general

16. What is your favourite colour?

when i was a kid, it was green, until i was about 6 or 7, when it changed to blue. then around middle school i started to really like black, so now its pretty much black, but i also like blue, just not as much.

17. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?

besides God, i would have to say all the people i love, and the relationships i have.

18. If there’s one thing in your life you want to do but yet unable to, what would it be?

attain the kind of perfection Paul is talking about in Philippians, but yeah if Paul cant even get there, i highly doubt that i could.

19. What would you do if tomorrow was the last day of the world?

make sure that everyone i love knew i loved them, attempt to share the gospel with the non-christian friends i have that havent already heard it.

20. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?

that he be christian (duh) and have an excellent sense of humor and understand or at least try to understand me and accept me as i am, while still encouraging me to change the parts of me that are in need of change. that he love me no matter how bad i screw up (which is pretty bad sometimes) and put up with my shortcomings and quirks. that we serve God better together than apart, that we build each other up, and bring each other closer to God. also, it would be nice if he had good taste in music

***

i tag mike, pam, stephchensays, and jo

SAN was great by the way, good job guys

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 09:35:50 GMT

"woo spring break!" - lue-yee, yelled while sticking up out of sam's car's sun-roof, on the freeway (not the expressway )

as the above indicates, the so-cal trip was pretty freakin awesome. before this, id never been to a beach in the u.s. that was actually warm, or played football (and won) while completely wet, or dug a hole big enough to bury someone in (thanks emo) or been to disneyland, or been bruised by playing a violent game involving hitting people really hard (thanks cho) or spent most of the day in a car with crossroaders, or gone the wrong direction on the i-5 for half an hour, all good experiences. im really glad i decided to go. the only sad part was toward the end of our day at disneyland, the happiest place on earth supposedly. but to steal a thought from chen-chen, its not the happiest place on earth when the one person you really really wish was there with you isnt
the best part was probably all the random (or not quite random) deep talks with various people, including people i said barely two words to before this trip. i love having deep talks with people, its one of my favorite things to do. it was a good time of bonding, especially with the freshmen, most of whom i didnt know very well. its really interesting, the things people are apt to talk about late at night/early in the morning, or after theyve been cooped up in a car with you for a couple of hours.
overall, great experience, and thanks to sam and cho and their parents for having us over

one of the topics that came up during the car ride on the way back was the seeming double standard among christians, of what is acceptable and what is not. to give some context, on our first night in so-cal, we watched 300, and skipped over the gratuitous sex scenes while not skipping over the gratuitous violence. the question was, why did we skip over the sex but not the violence? either we watch the whole thing, or none of it.
granted, 300 isnt exactly a winsome movie. and yeah, maybe we could have picked something better to watch. but i do love me some epic warfare. anyway, to address the question of why watching violence is acceptable, but watching sex isnt, i think that has a lot to do with inherent sin versus stumbling blocks. watching a sex scene isnt inherently sinful, in and of itself, but its what you do with the images you see that determines whether or not it is a stumbling block. for some, it is, and for others, it isnt, but given that it was in mixed company, and its not like we personally asked everyone whether they would be okay watching it, the decision was made to just skip over them anyway. in the same way, watching a violent scene isnt inherently sinful either, and as far as i can see, doesnt cause people to want to chop other people's heads off. i could be wrong, but i dont think that anyone who watched 300 was inspired to violence by it, which was why, in this case, it seemed acceptable to watch it, as a bonding event. perhaps this is not concentrating on what is pure and holy and only what is pure and holy (sidenote - school isnt exactly pure and holy either, but we shouldnt blow it off for that reason), and perhaps we need to check ourselves more stringently before deciding to do things as a group. as a fellowship, if we are indeed supposed to be spurring each other on, we need to be more sensitive towards things that may cause some of us to stumble, and avoid those things. for me personally, i dont mind watching violence, drug use, or crude humor, but definitely do have a problem with watching sex, and hearing profanity is not helpful either. for other people, any one of those things i have no problem with could be a cause of sin, and so, i need to be aware of that when i do decide to watch things with them. this isnt by any means limited to just movies either, but rather everything we encounter. purity and holiness should be our first priority in whatever we do. this means that, if i honestly assess myself, i have some things i should give up, but im not ready to yet. or rather, i just dont want to. i want to enjoy them further. and this is wrong, this is an area that i struggle with.

i need to be more humble, more broken, more open. more willing to do what is right versus what is easy.

wow this post went off on a self-reflective tangent, sorry. on a more random and lighthearted note, i really love my family, and i realized today how much i missed their silliness and the interaction we have that isnt one of us mad at another one. i feel like a guest in their home, not like this is my home anymore, which i dont feel like it has been since i left for college. but still, i do like being with my family, in small doses. i like the good food, the laughs, and just being able to hug them and spend time talking with them. if i could just spend a few days a month with them, every month, i'd be happy.

as much as i love the fact that i dont have to go to class for a week, i wish spring break would hurry up and end already. i miss bekeley and a certain person way too much.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 13:13:31 GMT

man. honesty really is the best policy. i am so very blessed.

today's bible study really challenged me to think about my priorities. would i be willing to give up what i love if God told me to? it took some thinking, but after that, and it is hard to actually say this, but yeah, i would. it would be very difficult, but i pray that God would give me strength to follow His leading above all else, regardless of what is at stake. i would hope that He doesn't ask me to actually give it up, though.

praise You Lord for Your kindness, tender mercies, and for knowing what is good for us before we see it ourselves. praise You for all You have done and yet to do, and for Your timing. and praise You most of all for loving us like You do and for the sacrifice You made for us. dear Lord, may we truly be the generation that seeks Your face, first and foremost. amen.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 07:28:50 GMT

retreat was awesome. i really needed that reminder to not write people off as never coming to know God, which i have been doing without really realizing it. its one thing to say, i really need to reach out to this person, but it is really really hard to actually actively go out and do something about it, ask questions or tell them about your own experience or whatever. also hard to be a good example, thats something ive been struggling with, especially recently. i have been feeling massive amounts of guilt over some things i have done that i really shouldnt have, and the way ive treated certain people, but hopefully those are not beyond salvaging. i need to be bold and stop worrying about whether or not sharing the gospel will mess up our friendship or make things all awkward. this is a case of caring more what man thinks of me than what God thinks of me. i mean, if they are really my friends, they arent gonna hate me for caring about them and telling them about God, are they? and if they do, well, at least now they know, and im probably better off not being so close to them anymore anyway.
it was nice to be co-leading small group, havent really done many leader-ish things before. it was not as frightening as i expected, my group was fairly talkative, so it was pretty much just facilitating. i generally dont volunteer for these kinds of things, mainly for fear of screwing up. but yeah, i dont think i did (at least, i hope not), and it was good that carol was there too, since she has way more experience. overall, pretty fun actually, it was nice to get to know people that i havent really talked to before. id rather do behind-the-scenes sort of things, but after this i guess i would be ok with leading things, if it was with a small group of people that i know or at least kinda know.

seems that retreat brings out the relationshippy side of people, at least in my experience these past two times. as faith put it, "camp of loooove" haha

in other news, over the weekend, my brother fractured his fibula playing football. hes pretty athletic, and its hard for him to stay inside all cooped up. he gave up playing videogames for lent, so he doesnt even have that to distract himself. we dont know yet how long he'll have to be in a cast, but please pray for a speedy recovery that is as pain-free as possible.
its interesting though, that was the first time in recent memory that id actually talked to him on the phone, or without my parents being there. we usually dont talk when i call home or when they call me, and when i go home, its usually not actual conversation, more like an insult tradeoff. but this time was actually kinda nice. i think we're growing up...

anyway. should get back to work.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 08:56:49 GMT

"i wish i had the ability to mentally live in the present and not care about the past or future. i hate not knowing things, because it worries me. i hate worrying, because i know i really shouldnt be, i mean, God is in control. but i still do it, and i feel stupid just for thinking the things i do, stupid for making things into what they are not."
-exactly one year ago

things were so different back then. so uncertain. i have been blessed, certainly since then, though i didnt realize i was about to be until after i wrote that. guess i wasnt making more of it than what it was. God sure has a sense of humor. and reminiscing is fun

im happy to say, i am content